With the warmest hug, his words echoed, "Be safe and take care of yourself. And remember that I'll always love you".
Is it possible for a dream to feel so real? Is it possible to smell and feel someone who lives no more? Is it possible to close your eyes and go back to that dream?
Lying in bed looking at the world outside her window get covered with white dust, these are the thoughts racing through her head. Three years since she last saw him, five months since he passed away, today was the first time she dreamt about him. She knows her grandfather is doing better now. No more pain, no more suffering, no more worries. The relief death can bring. How wonderful it would be to be with him, somewhere in the sky, probably a part of the stars or even just as two big fluffy clouds. Hopeless hope.
She looks at the clock on her night stand. 12:00 PM. Another 12 hours to deal with. Another 12 hours of pretending to be normal. Another 12 hours before a new day begins. But its cold and she feels so much better staying in her bed where its warm. She covers herself completely with her blanket making it seem like she's living in a cocoon. If only she could stay like this forever. No one to question her, no one to worry her, no one to cause her harm. So much easier to hide in a cocoon than face what the world has to throw at you. The cruel world that wont stop causing her pain and at the same time wont stop inquiring as to how she feels . She's sick of being treated like a patient. People should learn to mind their own businesses. If she's distant, they want to know what's wrong. If she's happy, they think she's faking her problems. If she's normal, they leave her alone but form groups amongst themselves to discuss her issues. What has the world come to? What is wrong with people? Why does she have to face such pathetic people? Why can't they worry about themselves and leave her alone? Why do they sit on their high chairs and diagnose her when they know nothing about her?
Tears of anger and frustration trickle down her cheek and onto her pillow. She keeps her eyes shut hoping that doing this will extinguish the nauseous feeling building up inside her. And in her mind she's screaming out. Just three words. Over and over and over again.
"Leave me alone"
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
911
The first step to tackle any problem is to realize and accept you actually have a problem. That's exactly what she did.
After days and weeks of hiding, she finally realized she was getting nowhere. There was a time she used to tell herself what a tough person she was and there were times she would prove it to herself by beating up the guys who used to cause problems for her friends. But now when it came down to her own problem, she was hiding and not fighting. The fact that she's been acting like such a coward hits her hard.
No matter how big or small a problem comes your way, the one person who will never let go of your side is your mother. 'I never had a problem telling mom anything', she thinks to herself. Then why now? Why does she have this strange feeling in her? The feeling of fear.
She walks across the hallway to her mother's room. She finds her sitting up in bed reading one of the world's bestsellers - The Holy Bible. Without uttering a word she sits beside her mom listening to the passage she was reading out loud.
"Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken."
Proverbs 3:25,26
The right words at the right moment. The knots in her tummy started melting away and this sudden sense of relief passed through her. At that moment she felt sad and happy, confused and relieved. It was as though someone had put a warm blanket around her assuring her that things were going to be alright. She looked at her mom to see that she had stopped reading and was looking straight at her with eyes filled with love and concern. And that was all she needed to break down and cry.
Seeing a doctor was first on her list. As she got in her car and behind the wheel her mind raced with thoughts. What would the doctor say? What would she have to tell him? What if its not fixable? The sound of the passenger door being open snapped her senses back into reality. Her mom sat beside her, with a look of reassurance. Everything is going to be fine. She started the engine and the next 20 minutes passed by in silence as she drove past the traffic and to the hospital.
Its always good to talk to someone about your life and your problems and fears. Easier when that person is a stranger because then you can start from scratch and the one listening will not be able to make a conclusion until he has heard it all. Her doctor was a nice man. Late forties and balding. He listened to what she had to say and put her on medications.
Driving back home she realized, its never too late to solve a problem. After all, everyone has problems. But while some choose to hide under their sheets, others stand up and fight. She never had trouble fighting other's battles, then why her own?
As she turned into her driveway, she never felt ready enough to kick some ass.
After days and weeks of hiding, she finally realized she was getting nowhere. There was a time she used to tell herself what a tough person she was and there were times she would prove it to herself by beating up the guys who used to cause problems for her friends. But now when it came down to her own problem, she was hiding and not fighting. The fact that she's been acting like such a coward hits her hard.
No matter how big or small a problem comes your way, the one person who will never let go of your side is your mother. 'I never had a problem telling mom anything', she thinks to herself. Then why now? Why does she have this strange feeling in her? The feeling of fear.
She walks across the hallway to her mother's room. She finds her sitting up in bed reading one of the world's bestsellers - The Holy Bible. Without uttering a word she sits beside her mom listening to the passage she was reading out loud.
"Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken."
Proverbs 3:25,26
The right words at the right moment. The knots in her tummy started melting away and this sudden sense of relief passed through her. At that moment she felt sad and happy, confused and relieved. It was as though someone had put a warm blanket around her assuring her that things were going to be alright. She looked at her mom to see that she had stopped reading and was looking straight at her with eyes filled with love and concern. And that was all she needed to break down and cry.
Seeing a doctor was first on her list. As she got in her car and behind the wheel her mind raced with thoughts. What would the doctor say? What would she have to tell him? What if its not fixable? The sound of the passenger door being open snapped her senses back into reality. Her mom sat beside her, with a look of reassurance. Everything is going to be fine. She started the engine and the next 20 minutes passed by in silence as she drove past the traffic and to the hospital.
Its always good to talk to someone about your life and your problems and fears. Easier when that person is a stranger because then you can start from scratch and the one listening will not be able to make a conclusion until he has heard it all. Her doctor was a nice man. Late forties and balding. He listened to what she had to say and put her on medications.
Driving back home she realized, its never too late to solve a problem. After all, everyone has problems. But while some choose to hide under their sheets, others stand up and fight. She never had trouble fighting other's battles, then why her own?
As she turned into her driveway, she never felt ready enough to kick some ass.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Her Story
After 12 hours of sleep, she finally decides she can't hide under the sheets any longer. Reluctantly, she pushes the sheets off of her and walks towards the bathroom. She instantly goes for her blue toothbrush but then stops in mid air as she stares at her own reflection in the mirror. When was the last time she saw herself this pale? Has she lost weight? Or did she gain a few pounds? When did she stop caring about the way she looked or the way she kept her hair? A sudden rush of hatred towards this reflection swells inside her. She looks away, turns off the light and continues to brush.
Breakfast is her first priority. Her appetite has been dead for quite a few days now. She pours cereal and milk into a bowl. The idea of eating alone does not appeal to her so she makes her way to the TV. Switching channels with the left hand while forcing spoons of cereal into her mouth with her right has sort of become a habit by now. The morning news, the weather channel, MTV, cartoons. A time slot of 4 seconds before being replaced by the next.
She makes note of the time when she's done. Not because she has someplace to go. But to set a mental alarm clock to 9pm. That is when she gets to go back to her room and back to her hiding place under the sheets. Lately that's the only place where she gets some comfort.
An idle mind is the Devil's workshop. To keep oneself busy is never an easy task. She tries to think of a few things she could do to kill time. Laundry was done yesterday. The car is already clean. The driveway has already been shoveled. The dishes, for a change, have been done as well. Everything seems to be done. The rooms have been cleaned. The cooking is done. The bills have been paid. She has nothing to do. The only other time consuming thing would be a shower. That's her last resort as of now.
Hot water striking against her body seems to give her a weird sense of relief by melting out the tension. She just stands there with her eyes shut. 2 minutes. 5 minutes. 7 minutes. 10 minutes. The silent tears blend in with the pouring water. 12 minutes. 15 minutes. 17 minutes. Now she decides to let go. She screams in pain. Not because she's hurt physically, but because she's tortured mentally. She cries out loud. She lets the tears flow and flow as she tries to let go of all her frustration. All the screaming and crying leads to a severe ache in her head. That's when she decides to calm down a little. She lets the water run over her as she sobs silently.
More hours to kill before dinner time. She checks e-mails. She can't bring herself to reply to any of them. She chats with her friends. She's turned from her once hyperactive self to a silent listener. The topics being discussed make no difference to her. She passes through them them with an occasional 'hmmm'. How did she become this person?
Dinner seems to go by the same way. Listening to everyone's exciting events of the day. Who is dating whom. Who lost their job. Who decided to buy a house. Who got run over by a bus. The last topic being what she secretly wishes to happen to herself. Death of a natural cause would cause less pain to her family than if she decided to kill herself.
The clock strikes 9. She can finally hide herself once again for another 12 hrs. She places the bottle of pills and glass of water on her night stand by her bed, just incase she decides to say goodbye tonight. While others pray for a better morning, she prays for a peaceful night. One that she will never have to wake up from.
This is her story. And it repeats itself. Everyday.
Breakfast is her first priority. Her appetite has been dead for quite a few days now. She pours cereal and milk into a bowl. The idea of eating alone does not appeal to her so she makes her way to the TV. Switching channels with the left hand while forcing spoons of cereal into her mouth with her right has sort of become a habit by now. The morning news, the weather channel, MTV, cartoons. A time slot of 4 seconds before being replaced by the next.
She makes note of the time when she's done. Not because she has someplace to go. But to set a mental alarm clock to 9pm. That is when she gets to go back to her room and back to her hiding place under the sheets. Lately that's the only place where she gets some comfort.
An idle mind is the Devil's workshop. To keep oneself busy is never an easy task. She tries to think of a few things she could do to kill time. Laundry was done yesterday. The car is already clean. The driveway has already been shoveled. The dishes, for a change, have been done as well. Everything seems to be done. The rooms have been cleaned. The cooking is done. The bills have been paid. She has nothing to do. The only other time consuming thing would be a shower. That's her last resort as of now.
Hot water striking against her body seems to give her a weird sense of relief by melting out the tension. She just stands there with her eyes shut. 2 minutes. 5 minutes. 7 minutes. 10 minutes. The silent tears blend in with the pouring water. 12 minutes. 15 minutes. 17 minutes. Now she decides to let go. She screams in pain. Not because she's hurt physically, but because she's tortured mentally. She cries out loud. She lets the tears flow and flow as she tries to let go of all her frustration. All the screaming and crying leads to a severe ache in her head. That's when she decides to calm down a little. She lets the water run over her as she sobs silently.
More hours to kill before dinner time. She checks e-mails. She can't bring herself to reply to any of them. She chats with her friends. She's turned from her once hyperactive self to a silent listener. The topics being discussed make no difference to her. She passes through them them with an occasional 'hmmm'. How did she become this person?
Dinner seems to go by the same way. Listening to everyone's exciting events of the day. Who is dating whom. Who lost their job. Who decided to buy a house. Who got run over by a bus. The last topic being what she secretly wishes to happen to herself. Death of a natural cause would cause less pain to her family than if she decided to kill herself.
The clock strikes 9. She can finally hide herself once again for another 12 hrs. She places the bottle of pills and glass of water on her night stand by her bed, just incase she decides to say goodbye tonight. While others pray for a better morning, she prays for a peaceful night. One that she will never have to wake up from.
This is her story. And it repeats itself. Everyday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
