With the warmest hug, his words echoed, "Be safe and take care of yourself. And remember that I'll always love you".
Is it possible for a dream to feel so real? Is it possible to smell and feel someone who lives no more? Is it possible to close your eyes and go back to that dream?
Lying in bed looking at the world outside her window get covered with white dust, these are the thoughts racing through her head. Three years since she last saw him, five months since he passed away, today was the first time she dreamt about him. She knows her grandfather is doing better now. No more pain, no more suffering, no more worries. The relief death can bring. How wonderful it would be to be with him, somewhere in the sky, probably a part of the stars or even just as two big fluffy clouds. Hopeless hope.
She looks at the clock on her night stand. 12:00 PM. Another 12 hours to deal with. Another 12 hours of pretending to be normal. Another 12 hours before a new day begins. But its cold and she feels so much better staying in her bed where its warm. She covers herself completely with her blanket making it seem like she's living in a cocoon. If only she could stay like this forever. No one to question her, no one to worry her, no one to cause her harm. So much easier to hide in a cocoon than face what the world has to throw at you. The cruel world that wont stop causing her pain and at the same time wont stop inquiring as to how she feels . She's sick of being treated like a patient. People should learn to mind their own businesses. If she's distant, they want to know what's wrong. If she's happy, they think she's faking her problems. If she's normal, they leave her alone but form groups amongst themselves to discuss her issues. What has the world come to? What is wrong with people? Why does she have to face such pathetic people? Why can't they worry about themselves and leave her alone? Why do they sit on their high chairs and diagnose her when they know nothing about her?
Tears of anger and frustration trickle down her cheek and onto her pillow. She keeps her eyes shut hoping that doing this will extinguish the nauseous feeling building up inside her. And in her mind she's screaming out. Just three words. Over and over and over again.
"Leave me alone"
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
911
The first step to tackle any problem is to realize and accept you actually have a problem. That's exactly what she did.
After days and weeks of hiding, she finally realized she was getting nowhere. There was a time she used to tell herself what a tough person she was and there were times she would prove it to herself by beating up the guys who used to cause problems for her friends. But now when it came down to her own problem, she was hiding and not fighting. The fact that she's been acting like such a coward hits her hard.
No matter how big or small a problem comes your way, the one person who will never let go of your side is your mother. 'I never had a problem telling mom anything', she thinks to herself. Then why now? Why does she have this strange feeling in her? The feeling of fear.
She walks across the hallway to her mother's room. She finds her sitting up in bed reading one of the world's bestsellers - The Holy Bible. Without uttering a word she sits beside her mom listening to the passage she was reading out loud.
"Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken."
Proverbs 3:25,26
The right words at the right moment. The knots in her tummy started melting away and this sudden sense of relief passed through her. At that moment she felt sad and happy, confused and relieved. It was as though someone had put a warm blanket around her assuring her that things were going to be alright. She looked at her mom to see that she had stopped reading and was looking straight at her with eyes filled with love and concern. And that was all she needed to break down and cry.
Seeing a doctor was first on her list. As she got in her car and behind the wheel her mind raced with thoughts. What would the doctor say? What would she have to tell him? What if its not fixable? The sound of the passenger door being open snapped her senses back into reality. Her mom sat beside her, with a look of reassurance. Everything is going to be fine. She started the engine and the next 20 minutes passed by in silence as she drove past the traffic and to the hospital.
Its always good to talk to someone about your life and your problems and fears. Easier when that person is a stranger because then you can start from scratch and the one listening will not be able to make a conclusion until he has heard it all. Her doctor was a nice man. Late forties and balding. He listened to what she had to say and put her on medications.
Driving back home she realized, its never too late to solve a problem. After all, everyone has problems. But while some choose to hide under their sheets, others stand up and fight. She never had trouble fighting other's battles, then why her own?
As she turned into her driveway, she never felt ready enough to kick some ass.
After days and weeks of hiding, she finally realized she was getting nowhere. There was a time she used to tell herself what a tough person she was and there were times she would prove it to herself by beating up the guys who used to cause problems for her friends. But now when it came down to her own problem, she was hiding and not fighting. The fact that she's been acting like such a coward hits her hard.
No matter how big or small a problem comes your way, the one person who will never let go of your side is your mother. 'I never had a problem telling mom anything', she thinks to herself. Then why now? Why does she have this strange feeling in her? The feeling of fear.
She walks across the hallway to her mother's room. She finds her sitting up in bed reading one of the world's bestsellers - The Holy Bible. Without uttering a word she sits beside her mom listening to the passage she was reading out loud.
"Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken."
Proverbs 3:25,26
The right words at the right moment. The knots in her tummy started melting away and this sudden sense of relief passed through her. At that moment she felt sad and happy, confused and relieved. It was as though someone had put a warm blanket around her assuring her that things were going to be alright. She looked at her mom to see that she had stopped reading and was looking straight at her with eyes filled with love and concern. And that was all she needed to break down and cry.
Seeing a doctor was first on her list. As she got in her car and behind the wheel her mind raced with thoughts. What would the doctor say? What would she have to tell him? What if its not fixable? The sound of the passenger door being open snapped her senses back into reality. Her mom sat beside her, with a look of reassurance. Everything is going to be fine. She started the engine and the next 20 minutes passed by in silence as she drove past the traffic and to the hospital.
Its always good to talk to someone about your life and your problems and fears. Easier when that person is a stranger because then you can start from scratch and the one listening will not be able to make a conclusion until he has heard it all. Her doctor was a nice man. Late forties and balding. He listened to what she had to say and put her on medications.
Driving back home she realized, its never too late to solve a problem. After all, everyone has problems. But while some choose to hide under their sheets, others stand up and fight. She never had trouble fighting other's battles, then why her own?
As she turned into her driveway, she never felt ready enough to kick some ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
